More adventures in dating for you. Tell me, first, why? Why am I bothering with all this? I mean, I don’t need anyone in my life. I have a want for a companion to spend my time with. I have a want for someone to talk to about cool things or not so cool things that happen on the daily. Honestly, I also want someone to tell me I am pretty! I know I am pretty but it is so nice to hear 🙂
I scheduled a date with a new guy recently. We met on a dating app and did not talk very long before he asked to meet. I did a background check on him of course (I am pretty but not stupid lol) and made plans. The thing is, after getting some information from him he told me he has cancer. And I couldn’t do it.
Please save your condemnations and criticisms. Yes, I know he was still a really fantastic guy without a criminal record (LOL). I actually REALLY hit it off with him. We did spend some time talking together but then after spending a night tossing and turning because a lot of his cancer “adventures” were exactly ones I had been through with my Beloved, I told him I couldn’t continue. The guilt I felt was unbelievable. He was so wonderful. He was funny and handsome. He was down to earth. Most importantly, he understood me (as well as he could in the short time we had spoken.) The bottom line for me was that it took me a lot of time to not wake up and feel alone and abandoned. It took me a long time not to be on the verge of tears basically every waking moment of my day. It took me a long time not to feel like my life had no meaning anymore.
I want someone to spend my time with. I want someone to be my partner in crime and my accomplice when I want to do something adventurous. What I DON’T want is someone to get lost in. I don’t want to forget how wonderful my life is without a man to tell me how to live it. And I can’t go through another cancer adventure with someone I love. Call me selfish but I am just not ready or willing to give up on the new life I have slowly built!
Once upon a time there was a girl who only thought of herself and how to make herself happy and comfortable. She was selfish without realizing, she honestly believed that by taking care of her own destiny she would be making everyone around her content as well. “You can’t love others without loving yourself”…”you can’t make people happy without being happy with you”…”you do you” and all those cliches. People around her pointed it out (a boyfriend dedicated the song Cold As Ice by Foreigner to her at a club during a fight) or they followed her around like the goddess she just knew she was. Life was good. Or was it?!
All the narcissism was an act to cover the fact that she didn’t feel important or needed. Fake it till you make it was the true cliche she lived by–she just knew someday she would find the person who would make her want to care about someone other than herself. She even got married right away so she could have a reason to put someone else first. She didn’t know that at the time, just like she didn’t know that caring for her younger brother growing up instead of being a kid who was incapable of caring for others like a normal 4 year old was a huge reason for her codependency and whirlwind relationships.
Then she met someone who was so much more narcissistic and self important. Now, instead of being the rule maker and the front runner, SHE was the follower. She drank the kool-aid, she didn’t make a decision or have a thought without getting his superior opinion first. And again, she was unaware. She fell right in line with the belief that she was less than, she did not think twice about the fact that she had no original content anymore. She had finally found the person who she loved more than herself. The person she checked the temperature in the room for to be sure it was perfect. She could just put on a sweater or a short sleeve shirt if she was uncomfortable, how she felt was irrelevant.
When he left, she began to wake up. She looked around and realized she was temperature checking the room for everyone in it, she still felt like she was irrelevant. Even though she tried to go back to being the leader of the pack, she knew she wasn’t happy in that role.
She is still growing and changing, she always will be. She has found a new person to love and adore, except he doesn’t have a “love me fully or you are worthless” vibe surrounding him. And the funny thing is, she feels like she has known him her whole life. With all the “if I don’t take care of me no one will” decisions she had to make in her life, it is pretty clear that He was steering her then. She knows in her heart that everything that happens, every choice she has to make are put in front of her to help her become her best version of herself. She knows that when she is unsure or worried about something she can go to him and talk freely. And when life is good and things are going smoothly, she knows that He is steering that as well. Turns out He is always with her and always ready to listen. Life is good, for real this time.