I am literally sitting at the beach right now and I don’t want to leave! The air is cool and the ocean sounds and smells are surrounding me like a warm hug as I sit on the sand.
I have been thinking about my life and my relationships this morning. I have been talking to this guy and we are making plans to meet soon (socially distanced, of course). There is my former crush that I am definitely not over even though I am forcing myself to move on. And then my biggest relationship, with Jesus. I have been ignoring Him, too; it is almost like I don’t want to disappoint Him because I am looking for something.
But is Jesus ever really disappointed in me? All my Christian friends would tell me that God loves all his children and nothing can turn Him away. I am not 100% sure I buy all that, though. And it is almost like I am a willful child who is doing stuff that I KNOW will push the limits of His love for me. I mean, as I mentioned before I am not interested in remarriage. It has ended badly for me twice, first time shame on you and second time shame on me, right?! I am absolutely looking for a man to share my blessings with, though.
Having God in my life keeps me in check so I don’t put the cart before the horse physically so I guess I am not completely off the deep end with my search. Every text or phone conversation feels like I am sinning, though. My black or white mentality is big and strong right now!!
I suppose the bottom line is this…having conversations with someone I want to maybe spend more time with is not wrong and if I get to the point that I want it to go farther I will have to work through that THEN. All this talk about finding what makes me truly happy means nothing at all without Jesus in my ❤
Hey all! It has been a slow month for the most part but something kind of big did happen–I cut and dyed my hair. I went back and forth about the color I wanted to do. I have always chosen red because it looks good with my complexion so it is “safe.” This time, however, I went bold. I did full blonde highlights. My hairdresser assures me that if I like it we can just keep adding more and if I don’t it will be easier to return to brown instead of just straight dying blonde. I love it though so adding more it is!
I had not really considered blonde. I told myself it was because it was just too drastic of a change. I didn’t want to be one of those women who has brown hair one day and blonde the next time you see them. When I really thought about it though, it was none of those things. It was a worm that had been planted in my brain a long time ago from someone I was desperate to hold onto. He had told me that if I ever dyed my hair blonde he would break up with me since his ex and his ex wife were both blonde. So I never did. Never even thought about it, the reasoning was sound and I was not willing to ruin something just to be able to say I had gone blonde once. But this time, when my daughter asked me to go blonde I jumped at the chance to try it.
It looks amazing, like I knew it would. Honestly, I definitely think the reason I was told not to go blonde was because he KNEW it would look good and didn’t want that. He wanted me to look good, just not TOO GOOD after all.
So all is well in Amanda-Town, right? Not exactly. The hairdresser straightened my hair after she colored and cut it. It looks amazing. I straighten it myself now because it just looks too good not to. Everyone tells me how much younger I look (not that I look old but I am close to 50!). But deep down inside, I hate it straight. I like the natural messy waves my hair has when left to it’s own devices. Sure, I look like I am pushing 50 or like I just got out of a Jeep with the top down. But I like it. It is comfortable. Looking younger is overrated anyway. What gives?!
One of my friends asked me why I liked it better wavy and I couldn’t really say, but of course I overthought about it until I had the answer. It is because it makes me feel like I have a big face! I was told (coincidentally from the same person who told me not to go blonde) that I had a pie face (round and fat, like a big ole pie!) and there were only certain hair cuts and styles I should even consider wearing. Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW that thinking I have a big face is crazy. I don’t actually even think that! But it is still another worm that has been living in my brain waiting. Frank talked to the worms and reminded me that I could not pull off blonde hair or the haircut. Frank has reminded me how good the red looks or even if I wanted to stay brown haired and just cover the greys it would look good, too. Frank tells me that I have lost a bunch of weight and I am moving in the right direction so why would I ruin that by doing something that is probably not going to look good? Except Frank can go back into his room in the back of my mind on this one because I say, “Shut up Frank!”
If the year 2020 has taught me anything it is that life is too short not to take chances. I am (trying!) to ignore Frank when he starts whispering in my ear. I am not always going to be able to ignore him but this time I am. I am a pie face with blonde hair and I am proud. Take that, Frank!
So I am not sure what to do lately. I have been trying really hard to be who I think God wants me to be. I really believe that the perfect person is out there, and that God has it set up in my life. I just have to be patient. Have I mentioned how much I hate waiting for stuff?!
I had a someone come to the house and hang out with me for a few hours. We sat outside and talked, it was actually really great. The only problem was that he called me “religious.” Like 3 different times. And it wasn’t a compliment. I don’t think it was a dig, either, I truly think he was just pointing out the fact that he knew my religion was strong and important. He didn’t try to kiss me or do anything other than talk. I am not sure what he was expecting when he agreed to come over but he absolutely respected me and my Faith while he was here. So why did him calling me “religious” feel like he was calling me damaged or less than?!
I AM “religious.” I am proud to be “religious.” Or am I ? I was embarrassed and…I don’t know…ashamed! I actually looked around my house at anything that made me look like I was, I don’t know, a Jesus Freak. I contemplated taking down the song lyrics to a Christian song about Faith that I had hanging in the bathroom and all the different signs of my strong Faith. I was trying to keep my Christianity in the little box I have had it in all these years. I doubted the path that I know I should be on. The path that I WANT to be on. I know that finding a love that puts God first is going to be so different and so amazing. I know that I need to do this. But when it came down to it, I definitely wanted to go back to being the person I used to be. The person who loved first and learned about a person second. The person who is so needy for love that she ignores it when things are not as good as they should be because they are good sometimes. Is this a test? Do you think God is testing my faith by sending me someone to call me religious as a bad thing and seeing how I would handle it? If that is the case it was an epic fail. I should be proud to be called religious!
I made an appointment with a pastor so I can get some insight. I need someone to tell me why I am doubting so much. I don’t know if I even ever want to get married again, but I don’t want to just be alone. So how does that go? And how do I know when it is time to become intimate? Or is there ever a right time if you aren’t married? It seems like in the Bible couples slept together and then they were married. So…if I meet the person I think is perfect for me and decide to be intimate with them, am I basically agreeing to marry them?
My head is spinning and I need to go to sleep. I am going to keep unpacking this in my mind and in this blog. Please comment if you have some insight!
Song of Solomon 8:7: “Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.”
I love working at the animal shelter. I have had a bunch of opportunities to be a super star at work and that feels really good. I am cutting down on cat sitting so I can focus more on cat behavior and get my name out in the area I live in. I am pretty well known in my former town but no one around my current town knows me. I have two guys I am interested in, one that I have been emailing. The one I have been emailing is the only one that is a christian, although the fact that he doesn’t want to meet just yet has made me weary of him. The other believes in God but that is as far as it goes. I want to think he would enjoy going to church with me but I also don’t want to be trying to change someone. Is it changing him or would I be disciplining him to God?
I never realized how much Al configured the ins and outs of our life. Even when I didn’t live together, he was able to guilt or persuade me to do things he wanted me to do. He was so good at it that I never even realized it! Of course now I need to make decisions and life choices and I am like a 20 year old in a 46 year old’s body!