Lose/lose Situations

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you JUST KNOW that there isn’t a good way out? Like, you will make it through but every choice will hurt you in some way?

I am in a situation right now that is just going to suck no matter what happens. I have someone in my life that is slowly bleeding me.

It was subtle at first. I didn’t even notice, I am such a people pleaser that doing for them was not unusual or a red flag of any kind. Except that the more I gave the more they took. Human nature to take the path of least resistance, it doesn’t make us bad people because I believe it is just how humans are wired. So, hurtful but not surprising that it was never enough for this person.

Fast forward to today. I am doing WAY too much for this person. Not only that, it is just expected now, not even a question. And more. Not expected more, but “one more favor” more. My life and plans are just not consequential to the asking or the doing. And I am done…with everything.

Here is where the lose/lose comes in. It is already happening, I am feeling guilty about wanting to have my own life back. I am guilty for wanting this all to end. I feel like I didn’t do enough, I could have done more. None of that is true. In the long run putting my foot down will help everyone. It doesn’t make it any less stressful, though.

If I DON’T put my foot down, it will just get worse and I won’t be able to live with myself. It will cost me mentally, it will cost me in other relationships, it will probably cost me physically and in my ability to do my job effectively. When making a pros and cons list, there really isn’t a choice at all!

My life is on track finally and I have to fight to keep it like that. Nothing worth having is easy, right? Even though I haven’t physically been to church because of COVID-19, God has my back and I feel his presence. I know that no matter what happens He will get me through it.

So…I pick door number one…the lesser of two evils! Look forward to a blog post (or 5!) as this plays out. It is going to be bad 😦

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31

Love at first site

So more adventures in dating this Sunday morning for you! Spoiler alert, I am overcome on this one and it is a sappy love story instead of the usual “wow, that sucked” story hahaha!

I met this guy on Hinge. He wrote about his kids and how they were his pride in the very first paragraph of his online profile. My kids are grown and my daughters don’t live with me but they are still an important part of my life. My son lives with me so he is a pretty big part of my picture as well!

We texted for a bit and then we video chatted. I am pretty new to the video chat way of dating but it was like a first date. I couldn’t figure out how to get my phone camera to work. Good clue to how he would handle frustration and unexpected problems! It is sad that I even notice or care about that stuff but unfortunately it is important for me to see, I have allowed people to make me feel less than and I am just not doing that anymore. He talked me through how to get it to work and it was smooth sailing from there.

Several online dates and then an in person date. I would be a big fat liar if I didn’t say I wanted to throw up for the ride to his house and probably the first half of the date! He ordered a pizza (can’t go wrong with pizza, am I right?!) and we watched a movie. Good thing it was one I had already seen because we spent the majority of the time talking. Our lives are so similar, we just clicked on so many things. Not going to lie, I could have stayed all night. TALKING, why do you have to go there?!

I read somewhere that the point of the first date wasn’t to impress the other person, you should have done that already. Nope, it is to decide if you wanted a second date. How wrong is it that I planned the second date in my mind throughout the entire first date? I am pretty sure I would not have accepted no if he didn’t want to have that second date hahaha!

So now it is several dates in and I am floored at how well it is going. There have been conflicts, I have gotten stuck at work and I have had a work crisis to deal with on a date. All fine with him. What? I am not used to having someone just roll with it and it is exhilarating and scary all at the same time.

I did not realize how much I feared another person’s reactions. I guess there is some stuff in my mind I have to work through since I am holding my breath every time something comes up I can’t control. I always just figured I was a control freak but it is so much more than that…I spent so much time trying to keep things smooth so there were no waves in my life that it just became a part of my identity. Don’t get me wrong, I work hard to make sure everything goes perfectly and that is a huge character asset. But always being on alert to put out fires is only a good thing if you are a fireman!!!!

So that is it. It is still early in the relationship but I plan on being in this for a long time to come!!

Aman-Splaining

Sitting at my happy place and reading blog posts is making me question my life. It is too early for this! Drinking my coffee at the beach is supposed to be a mindless adventure…what the hell, Amanda?!

I am “doing the work” to become a more well-rounded human. I am asking myself why whenever a thought comes into my head. Like, when you invite someone over and clean like a mad person but then say “don’t mind the mess” so they will actually look at all the cleaning you did. And for the record, I don’t do that! I may tidy up before you come over the first time but then I am all about transparency…as in, you should know that I eat dinner in the living room and don’t bring my plate and silverware to the kitchen until the next day because I only have enough silverware for a day or two and I need to wash it!

No. What I question is when I am telling someone something that doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but I feel the unbreakable pull to explain. When my son was little, he had this habit of telling me a drawn out story instead of just answering the question and I would say to him, “Just the facts, Jack” (Meet the Parents…if you haven’t seen it then we can’t be friends…) It is a disease…like ‘man-splaining’…’aman-splaining’?! Do you think guys get that they do that? I truly think I ‘aman-splain’ stuff because I am just the smartest person in the Universe so how could anyone else possibly understand without my input?

No one cares. If they want a novel they will buy one on Amazon. Or as my step Dad used to like to ask…Do you just like to hear yourself speak?! If people want more information they usually ask. And let’s be real, I am not the smartest person in the universe and people are GENERALLY smart enough to figure things out. If they are confused they will ask. Plus, it isn’t like I EVER talk about anything major!

So today, my goal is to say “just the facts, Jack” and not think I have to explain every little thing. Worse comes to worse, the cats always listen when I feel the need to hear myself talk 🤣🤣🤣

Is it really black or white?!

I am literally sitting at the beach right now and I don’t want to leave! The air is cool and the ocean sounds and smells are surrounding me like a warm hug as I sit on the sand.

I have been thinking about my life and my relationships this morning. I have been talking to this guy and we are making plans to meet soon (socially distanced, of course). There is my former crush that I am definitely not over even though I am forcing myself to move on. And then my biggest relationship, with Jesus. I have been ignoring Him, too; it is almost like I don’t want to disappoint Him because I am looking for something.

But is Jesus ever really disappointed in me? All my Christian friends would tell me that God loves all his children and nothing can turn Him away. I am not 100% sure I buy all that, though. And it is almost like I am a willful child who is doing stuff that I KNOW will push the limits of His love for me. I mean, as I mentioned before I am not interested in remarriage. It has ended badly for me twice, first time shame on you and second time shame on me, right?! I am absolutely looking for a man to share my blessings with, though.

Having God in my life keeps me in check so I don’t put the cart before the horse physically so I guess I am not completely off the deep end with my search. Every text or phone conversation feels like I am sinning, though. My black or white mentality is big and strong right now!!

I suppose the bottom line is this…having conversations with someone I want to maybe spend more time with is not wrong and if I get to the point that I want it to go farther I will have to work through that THEN. All this talk about finding what makes me truly happy means nothing at all without Jesus in my ❤

My bucket list

I am on this path of self awareness and I am trying to find out what makes me happy.  Truly happy. As I said in past posts, I lost sight of what works to make me sincerely satisfied with my life. 

I have, of course, been reading about self awareness and self gratitude, trying to find how that looks in my existence here on this Earth.  One of the articles I read recently talked about having a bucket list of things.  So what should go on my bucket list, anyway? Should I have stuff from Connecticut or should I have stuff out of Connecticut? How about two bucket lists?!

I don’t like the name bucket list so I am going to come up with something new. How about In State Awesome and Out of State Awesome? In state awesome would be stuff that would speak to my heart and my soul. LIke my walks to the beach do. And going out to Trivia Night on Tuesdays at La Boca Restaurant. I am also thinking I want to try Ax throwing 🙂 You are supposed to be part of a group for that so I may have to wait on that one. I don’t want stuff that I have to pay a lot for so I have thrown in hiking and I already talked about fishing. I didn’t find any nightcrawlers when I went out but I want to try again. It was raining that day so maybe the worms were hanging out underground? Another thing I want to try is hunting. I know that may be weird but I have thought about getting my pistol permit for a while so why not? Karaoke? Visiting the wine tour in Guilford has been something I have wanted to do. This is such a broad list but sadly enough I truly don’t know what makes me happy anymore!

There are things that I wanted to do but I was told that I wouldn’t be able to. I was afraid to try because if I failed I would be met with “I told you so” and also I already felt like a failure most of the time so why would I want to fail? I flew to Montana all by myself and it was okay. It was more than okay, actually it was fun and I didn’t even fail!!!! Riding a bike is one of those things, I don’t know if it is something I even want to do but it is totally something I want to try to do. I am starting to sound like a crazy person hahahaha!

For the Out of State Awesome list, I just need to go. I wanted to go to Oregon to visit with Ryan, Sarah and the kids (plus Jenny and Nancy!), plus I wanted to go visit my Uncle and Aunt in Texas. When Veronica moves out of Hawaii I want to visit her, too. Albuquerque sounds like a fantastic place and my Aunt Jan lives there! I want to go to the Cliff Walk in Rhode Island. That was something I did with Al but it wasn’t about walking or exercising. It was where we went on our first date and the few times we went there it was to spend the weekend and eat out, the Cliff Walk was just something we did. Except that I really liked it! I used to bring the kids there when I had time off. My friend Lisa suggested Maine and I asked my friend Mary to go with me. Another friend said the Cape. How terrible is it that I honestly thought about Map Questing where there were Walmart stores so I could sleep in my car in the parking lot? I want to be able to go out of Connecticut but I am not sure I want to pay to do a long weekend anywhere and there are only so many days I can take off. I want to learn about what makes me happy but not if it is ruining my financial plans. I want to be able to retire at a decent age, plus I want to buy an RV so I can travel. I honestly had a plan to get a job as one of those pet and house sitters so I could just live in strange and exotic places and have enough money to eat. I want to keep that goal!!

I guess the bottom line is I don’t want to completely go of the rails but I do need to to go a little off! I guess when I am learning how to be Amanda I can’t forget that using my house savings to live off because we hadn’t properly prepared for an emergency was the worst feeling in the world. Having a financial plan is SO important, too!!!