I gotta have Faith…

Remember that song by George Michael? And I know all the games you play because I play them too…umm, yup. I have been playing games and I need to have faith instead!

My best friend’s husband died about a week ago. He was having surgery and it didn’t go well. The thing is, he had been in a car accident a few years ago and several surgeries since then. He even learned how to walk again! So why did God chose the final surgery to be the one that ended everything? And why did God let my bestie find her true love only to take him away?!

I haven’t written about God lately and to be completely honest, I haven’t spoken to him much either. Everything that has happened to me and everything I have endured didn’t turn me away. Something lately has really taken Him out of my focus, though. I don’t know if it is the virus and how the new normal is making me feel crazy, or if I am just tired of trying to justify all the bad by saying, “I just know something good is coming for me, God wouldn’t send me through so many fires and not have something on the other side to make it all worth it.” Nope, I have lost my Jesus mojo.

I started seeing someone a few months ago and it has been so amazing in so many ways but not in so many other ways. The thing is, he wants a casual relationship. He wants to be able to just have fun and hang out but not have any of the pitfalls of a relationship. Pitfalls? Like what? When I try to tell him about my day or something that is happening at work he listens but then doesn’t respond about it. Actually, his response is usually something to change the subject! Except that sometimes he is all ears. And he makes me food when I go to his house. Lately he had been opening up to me more. It is starting to feel like a relationship amd I am confused!

When we first started seeing each other, I told him a lie. It was a douzy, too. Not going to get into the details except to say that when I talked about it in the past I was not met with peace and understanding so I chose to keep it to myself this time. We were casually dating, after all. Except that the more he opened up to me, the guiltier I felt. One day last week I blurted out the truth. He was shocked but not too shocked to get up and leave. It has been almost a week without any contact. I texted him every day to say I was sorry and to tell him I hoped he would be able to talk to me. The last text I sent was to say I was not going to text him anymore and if and when he wants to talk he could. Now I am left to my own devices. And that is not usually good hahahaha!

To bring it back to my friend, I have been thinking about the whole soul mate thing. I am alone right now, hoping he will reach out to me. I still want that to happen but if it doesn’t that will be okay, too. I am enjoying spending time with this man and I love the feeling I have when I am not with him and I am remembering something we did. But I DO want the pitfalls of a relationship. I want to have a bad day and have him tell me I am being terrible. I want him to be a jerk because of something going on in his life and me to understand why because we are talking about everything. And I want to be able to tell him it will be okay and that he is being a jerk! I hope I am strong enough to tell him that when we talk again.

One thing I do know is that I need to go back to understanding that Jesus is walking with me. I am not going to sit here and say that I have full faith again but I am going to work on it. I am stronger when I know God has my back! I gotta have faith!

Oh, when that love comes down without devotion
Well, it takes a strong man, baby
But I’m showin’ you the door–Faith by George Michael

Pie Face

Hey all! It has been a slow month for the most part but something kind of big did happen–I cut and dyed my hair. I went back and forth about the color I wanted to do. I have always chosen red because it looks good with my complexion so it is “safe.” This time, however, I went bold. I did full blonde highlights. My hairdresser assures me that if I like it we can just keep adding more and if I don’t it will be easier to return to brown instead of just straight dying blonde. I love it though so adding more it is!

I had not really considered blonde. I told myself it was because it was just too drastic of a change. I didn’t want to be one of those women who has brown hair one day and blonde the next time you see them. When I really thought about it though, it was none of those things. It was a worm that had been planted in my brain a long time ago from someone I was desperate to hold onto. He had told me that if I ever dyed my hair blonde he would break up with me since his ex and his ex wife were both blonde. So I never did. Never even thought about it, the reasoning was sound and I was not willing to ruin something just to be able to say I had gone blonde once. But this time, when my daughter asked me to go blonde I jumped at the chance to try it.

It looks amazing, like I knew it would. Honestly, I definitely think the reason I was told not to go blonde was because he KNEW it would look good and didn’t want that. He wanted me to look good, just not TOO GOOD after all.

So all is well in Amanda-Town, right? Not exactly. The hairdresser straightened my hair after she colored and cut it. It looks amazing. I straighten it myself now because it just looks too good not to. Everyone tells me how much younger I look (not that I look old but I am close to 50!). But deep down inside, I hate it straight. I like the natural messy waves my hair has when left to it’s own devices. Sure, I look like I am pushing 50 or like I just got out of a Jeep with the top down. But I like it. It is comfortable. Looking younger is overrated anyway. What gives?!

One of my friends asked me why I liked it better wavy and I couldn’t really say, but of course I overthought about it until I had the answer. It is because it makes me feel like I have a big face! I was told (coincidentally from the same person who told me not to go blonde) that I had a pie face (round and fat, like a big ole pie!) and there were only certain hair cuts and styles I should even consider wearing. Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW that thinking I have a big face is crazy. I don’t actually even think that! But it is still another worm that has been living in my brain waiting. Frank talked to the worms and reminded me that I could not pull off blonde hair or the haircut. Frank has reminded me how good the red looks or even if I wanted to stay brown haired and just cover the greys it would look good, too. Frank tells me that I have lost a bunch of weight and I am moving in the right direction so why would I ruin that by doing something that is probably not going to look good? Except Frank can go back into his room in the back of my mind on this one because I say, “Shut up Frank!”

If the year 2020 has taught me anything it is that life is too short not to take chances. I am (trying!) to ignore Frank when he starts whispering in my ear. I am not always going to be able to ignore him but this time I am. I am a pie face with blonde hair and I am proud. Take that, Frank!