Is it really black or white?!

I am literally sitting at the beach right now and I don’t want to leave! The air is cool and the ocean sounds and smells are surrounding me like a warm hug as I sit on the sand.

I have been thinking about my life and my relationships this morning. I have been talking to this guy and we are making plans to meet soon (socially distanced, of course). There is my former crush that I am definitely not over even though I am forcing myself to move on. And then my biggest relationship, with Jesus. I have been ignoring Him, too; it is almost like I don’t want to disappoint Him because I am looking for something.

But is Jesus ever really disappointed in me? All my Christian friends would tell me that God loves all his children and nothing can turn Him away. I am not 100% sure I buy all that, though. And it is almost like I am a willful child who is doing stuff that I KNOW will push the limits of His love for me. I mean, as I mentioned before I am not interested in remarriage. It has ended badly for me twice, first time shame on you and second time shame on me, right?! I am absolutely looking for a man to share my blessings with, though.

Having God in my life keeps me in check so I don’t put the cart before the horse physically so I guess I am not completely off the deep end with my search. Every text or phone conversation feels like I am sinning, though. My black or white mentality is big and strong right now!!

I suppose the bottom line is this…having conversations with someone I want to maybe spend more time with is not wrong and if I get to the point that I want it to go farther I will have to work through that THEN. All this talk about finding what makes me truly happy means nothing at all without Jesus in my ❤

My bucket list

I am on this path of self awareness and I am trying to find out what makes me happy.  Truly happy. As I said in past posts, I lost sight of what works to make me sincerely satisfied with my life. 

I have, of course, been reading about self awareness and self gratitude, trying to find how that looks in my existence here on this Earth.  One of the articles I read recently talked about having a bucket list of things.  So what should go on my bucket list, anyway? Should I have stuff from Connecticut or should I have stuff out of Connecticut? How about two bucket lists?!

I don’t like the name bucket list so I am going to come up with something new. How about In State Awesome and Out of State Awesome? In state awesome would be stuff that would speak to my heart and my soul. LIke my walks to the beach do. And going out to Trivia Night on Tuesdays at La Boca Restaurant. I am also thinking I want to try Ax throwing 🙂 You are supposed to be part of a group for that so I may have to wait on that one. I don’t want stuff that I have to pay a lot for so I have thrown in hiking and I already talked about fishing. I didn’t find any nightcrawlers when I went out but I want to try again. It was raining that day so maybe the worms were hanging out underground? Another thing I want to try is hunting. I know that may be weird but I have thought about getting my pistol permit for a while so why not? Karaoke? Visiting the wine tour in Guilford has been something I have wanted to do. This is such a broad list but sadly enough I truly don’t know what makes me happy anymore!

There are things that I wanted to do but I was told that I wouldn’t be able to. I was afraid to try because if I failed I would be met with “I told you so” and also I already felt like a failure most of the time so why would I want to fail? I flew to Montana all by myself and it was okay. It was more than okay, actually it was fun and I didn’t even fail!!!! Riding a bike is one of those things, I don’t know if it is something I even want to do but it is totally something I want to try to do. I am starting to sound like a crazy person hahahaha!

For the Out of State Awesome list, I just need to go. I wanted to go to Oregon to visit with Ryan, Sarah and the kids (plus Jenny and Nancy!), plus I wanted to go visit my Uncle and Aunt in Texas. When Veronica moves out of Hawaii I want to visit her, too. Albuquerque sounds like a fantastic place and my Aunt Jan lives there! I want to go to the Cliff Walk in Rhode Island. That was something I did with Al but it wasn’t about walking or exercising. It was where we went on our first date and the few times we went there it was to spend the weekend and eat out, the Cliff Walk was just something we did. Except that I really liked it! I used to bring the kids there when I had time off. My friend Lisa suggested Maine and I asked my friend Mary to go with me. Another friend said the Cape. How terrible is it that I honestly thought about Map Questing where there were Walmart stores so I could sleep in my car in the parking lot? I want to be able to go out of Connecticut but I am not sure I want to pay to do a long weekend anywhere and there are only so many days I can take off. I want to learn about what makes me happy but not if it is ruining my financial plans. I want to be able to retire at a decent age, plus I want to buy an RV so I can travel. I honestly had a plan to get a job as one of those pet and house sitters so I could just live in strange and exotic places and have enough money to eat. I want to keep that goal!!

I guess the bottom line is I don’t want to completely go of the rails but I do need to to go a little off! I guess when I am learning how to be Amanda I can’t forget that using my house savings to live off because we hadn’t properly prepared for an emergency was the worst feeling in the world. Having a financial plan is SO important, too!!!