Love at first site

So more adventures in dating this Sunday morning for you! Spoiler alert, I am overcome on this one and it is a sappy love story instead of the usual “wow, that sucked” story hahaha!

I met this guy on Hinge. He wrote about his kids and how they were his pride in the very first paragraph of his online profile. My kids are grown and my daughters don’t live with me but they are still an important part of my life. My son lives with me so he is a pretty big part of my picture as well!

We texted for a bit and then we video chatted. I am pretty new to the video chat way of dating but it was like a first date. I couldn’t figure out how to get my phone camera to work. Good clue to how he would handle frustration and unexpected problems! It is sad that I even notice or care about that stuff but unfortunately it is important for me to see, I have allowed people to make me feel less than and I am just not doing that anymore. He talked me through how to get it to work and it was smooth sailing from there.

Several online dates and then an in person date. I would be a big fat liar if I didn’t say I wanted to throw up for the ride to his house and probably the first half of the date! He ordered a pizza (can’t go wrong with pizza, am I right?!) and we watched a movie. Good thing it was one I had already seen because we spent the majority of the time talking. Our lives are so similar, we just clicked on so many things. Not going to lie, I could have stayed all night. TALKING, why do you have to go there?!

I read somewhere that the point of the first date wasn’t to impress the other person, you should have done that already. Nope, it is to decide if you wanted a second date. How wrong is it that I planned the second date in my mind throughout the entire first date? I am pretty sure I would not have accepted no if he didn’t want to have that second date hahaha!

So now it is several dates in and I am floored at how well it is going. There have been conflicts, I have gotten stuck at work and I have had a work crisis to deal with on a date. All fine with him. What? I am not used to having someone just roll with it and it is exhilarating and scary all at the same time.

I did not realize how much I feared another person’s reactions. I guess there is some stuff in my mind I have to work through since I am holding my breath every time something comes up I can’t control. I always just figured I was a control freak but it is so much more than that…I spent so much time trying to keep things smooth so there were no waves in my life that it just became a part of my identity. Don’t get me wrong, I work hard to make sure everything goes perfectly and that is a huge character asset. But always being on alert to put out fires is only a good thing if you are a fireman!!!!

So that is it. It is still early in the relationship but I plan on being in this for a long time to come!!

Okay Okay I will tell you…

A few posts ago I talked about a lie I told someone I was interested in. I said it was a big one and I wasn’t going to explain it. But–I am getting feedback that says I need to. I need to explain that I am not a horrible human who goes around lying to people. And by big…what does that mean, exactly? So I am going to put it here for you…

The lie was this–I am totally cool with casual dating. I am NOT totally cool with it. Actually, the more time I spent with him, the LESS cool I was with it! It turns out that I need someone. And not casually. Hence the guilt on my part and the pull away on his. He WAS cool with it, I respect that. It wasn’t the relationship we had started and he was not interested. I respect that as well. But I have a right to change my mind and I honestly wasn’t sure what I wanted in the beginning. But now I know I want someone to share my life with. I don’t NEED someone to share my life with, I WANT it.

He talked about how needy girlfriends can be. Yes. Another lie, I definitely agreed and sympathized. All the while, thinking about how to not appear needy when I was around him! Counting how many times I texted. Not calling him Baby, Sweetie or any cute boyfriend-type nicknames. Not saying or doing anything that made it seem like I was planning on spending time together in the future. It was EXHAUSTING. Dating shouldn’t be this hard!

I am needy. And that should be okay, because the person I decide to give my heart to should be needy as well! I am not saying “if you don’t call me I will fall apart” needy, but an “I need to hear from you to make my day okay” needy. And if you are having a day where you need me to remind you that I love you and you are enough for me, sign me up for that, too!!! Who am I kidding, as long as it isn’t all the time I am totally an “if you don’t call me I will fall apart” needy sometimes! Honestly, that would be a pretty big ego boost if my guy was like that sometimes, too. Everyone needs to feel needed!!

So no…I didn’t tell him I hadn’t seen Nancy when I had murdered her and put her body in my basement hahaha. When I really think about it, I was not necessarily lying to him when I told him that because I definitely didn’t know what I was looking for, just someone to share my blessings with. Nope. The lie came later when I DID know what I was looking for and didn’t speak up. And every time he made a comment about how he was glad he wasn’t in a relationship and I didn’t say anything. Pretty sure I was lying more to myself than him actually! That trend kept up because I really wanted to be the person who was okay with casually dating so he would stay with me. Talk about needy!!!