Lose/lose Situations

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you JUST KNOW that there isn’t a good way out? Like, you will make it through but every choice will hurt you in some way?

I am in a situation right now that is just going to suck no matter what happens. I have someone in my life that is slowly bleeding me.

It was subtle at first. I didn’t even notice, I am such a people pleaser that doing for them was not unusual or a red flag of any kind. Except that the more I gave the more they took. Human nature to take the path of least resistance, it doesn’t make us bad people because I believe it is just how humans are wired. So, hurtful but not surprising that it was never enough for this person.

Fast forward to today. I am doing WAY too much for this person. Not only that, it is just expected now, not even a question. And more. Not expected more, but “one more favor” more. My life and plans are just not consequential to the asking or the doing. And I am done…with everything.

Here is where the lose/lose comes in. It is already happening, I am feeling guilty about wanting to have my own life back. I am guilty for wanting this all to end. I feel like I didn’t do enough, I could have done more. None of that is true. In the long run putting my foot down will help everyone. It doesn’t make it any less stressful, though.

If I DON’T put my foot down, it will just get worse and I won’t be able to live with myself. It will cost me mentally, it will cost me in other relationships, it will probably cost me physically and in my ability to do my job effectively. When making a pros and cons list, there really isn’t a choice at all!

My life is on track finally and I have to fight to keep it like that. Nothing worth having is easy, right? Even though I haven’t physically been to church because of COVID-19, God has my back and I feel his presence. I know that no matter what happens He will get me through it.

So…I pick door number one…the lesser of two evils! Look forward to a blog post (or 5!) as this plays out. It is going to be bad 😦

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31

Is it really black or white?!

I am literally sitting at the beach right now and I don’t want to leave! The air is cool and the ocean sounds and smells are surrounding me like a warm hug as I sit on the sand.

I have been thinking about my life and my relationships this morning. I have been talking to this guy and we are making plans to meet soon (socially distanced, of course). There is my former crush that I am definitely not over even though I am forcing myself to move on. And then my biggest relationship, with Jesus. I have been ignoring Him, too; it is almost like I don’t want to disappoint Him because I am looking for something.

But is Jesus ever really disappointed in me? All my Christian friends would tell me that God loves all his children and nothing can turn Him away. I am not 100% sure I buy all that, though. And it is almost like I am a willful child who is doing stuff that I KNOW will push the limits of His love for me. I mean, as I mentioned before I am not interested in remarriage. It has ended badly for me twice, first time shame on you and second time shame on me, right?! I am absolutely looking for a man to share my blessings with, though.

Having God in my life keeps me in check so I don’t put the cart before the horse physically so I guess I am not completely off the deep end with my search. Every text or phone conversation feels like I am sinning, though. My black or white mentality is big and strong right now!!

I suppose the bottom line is this…having conversations with someone I want to maybe spend more time with is not wrong and if I get to the point that I want it to go farther I will have to work through that THEN. All this talk about finding what makes me truly happy means nothing at all without Jesus in my ❤

On a scale of 1 to 10, how well do you know YOU?

I am beginning to have questions about my recent failed relationship so I figured I would share.

First question–was it really that good? I mean, I truly had a great time with my male friend. We did a bunch of fun stuff together. Except it was HIS fun stuff. Don’t get me wrong, it WAS fun. So much fun! None of it was my idea though. As a side note I must confess that I don’t actually know what to do that is fun and adventurous. A list is called for, I think! Then the next time I find myself in amazing company I will have something to offer. But the bottom line is that in the short time we spent together the boat was clearly being steered by the captain and I was the first mate.

That brings me to my second question, do I NEED someone to steer? I already said that I don’t know what to do that is fun. I work, I watch TV and I read. What a boring existence! In my making of a list, I am going to steer my own ship. I am going to find stuff to do that I enjoy. Just like Julia Roberts in the movie Runaway Bride, I need to figure out how I like my eggs instead of just liking them the way my guy likes them. On my days off, I am going to start doing the stuff on my list. I started today by joining a gym. I didn’t stay and work out but baby steps. I joined. I love the feeling of going to a gym and working out. It is so much better with a group but that will come. And fishing! I used to go fishing with my step Dad so I think on Thursday I am going to do that. Which means tomorrow night I will go night crawling for worms. I haven’t done that since I was a kid either. And taking myself on a picnic. I used to love taking the kids on an impromptu picnic with Subway sandwiches when I was out pet sitting. I love to sit outside and look at the sky. Sounds like a good list item! There are so many things I love to do but for whatever reason I haven’t allowed myself to do them. Somewhere along the line I decided I wasn’t good enough to have fun on my own or smart enough to come up with stuff to do. I am so afraid of trying something and failing that I just concede before I even try. What the heck is that all about?!

I spent the day in a dark cloud because I haven’t heard from him. I sent a bunch of messages and I have been left unread. But when I really think about it, am I upset about being ignored by him or just being ignored in general? I feel like I am throwing a tantrum because my little inner child is being ignored and she doesn’t like that! We dated for 2 months. Not two years…MONTHS. I definitely think I need to get a grip on that reality. Fabulous time, but still only 2 months. Not even long enough to plan a vacation together without rushing things.

I updated my profile on one of the online dating sites so I can start talking to new guys. I even sent out a few conversation starters..but as I spent the day swiping through profiles it occurs to me that I don’t really know what I am looking for so maybe slow my roll for a little bit. And anyway, that was a gut reaction to my temper tantrum I talked about above. I am not lonely or needy. I have a pretty awesome life all on my own and am not truly “in the market” for someone else. Nope, the only person I need to be worrying about getting to know better is AMANDA. She is pretty awesome and fun to be around, especially when you get to know her 🙂

Hiding my Fear behind a Mask

Do you “believe” in masks? I am not sure actually. What I DO believe in is not dying LOL!

I am the Shelter Manager at an animal shelter and we have been closed since the middle of March. Next week, however, we will open back up. For appointments only, but we will actually be there for the people that inevitably pop in. I have installed a hand sanitizer right inside the door and I will have a basket of masks for those people who “forget” to wear one. I am NOT convinced they work but I would rather be safe than sorry! Today I have someone coming in to relinquish cat. Although I want to be a helpful member of my community, I have a sick feeling about meeting her. Not her necessarily, just strangers in general actually! It turns out that wishing for things to start moving forward was a nice little dream but I am pretty terrified of that happening. I know that if I am supposed to catch the COVID-19 virus, God has already written that. I know that He has plans and I am on a need to know basis with them. Does the fact that I am afraid anyway mean I don’t have faith?

I guess not doing something because I am afraid and I don’t trust that it will work out; and doing it EVEN THOUGH I am afraid because I know God has got me is the definition of faith for me. I am pretty sure if God didn’t want us to feel fear he wouldn’t have put that emotion in our makeup. Except when the Disciples were afraid during the storm on the sea , Jesus kind of chastised them for being afraid.  “Why are you so afraid? Don’t you have any faith at all yet?” – Mark 4:35-40. So which is it? Can someone explain this to me?!

Check yo’self before you wreck yo’self!

I am a little thrown off lately, with the home lock down I am thinking a lot of people are. I have been reading Leviticus and it is dry and long. I am really hoping it ends soon but I am trying to absorb as much of it as I can!

I am having a big breakdown. The email at work got hacked and it has been a nightmare to get it restarted, the email security team promised me that it was finished but I am still not receiving emails. I can send them but then when people reply it goes…I don’t know where but not to me! One of the kittens that were born in March is not doing well. She (or he, I can’t tell and neither can the vet!) is almost half the size of her litter mates. She was still eating, drinking and using the litter box like everyone else but just a peanut; except that while her brothers and sisters keep growing she is staying the same. When I brought her to the vet today they basically told me that she wasn’t going to live but told me to try feeding her every two hours and stimulating her to go to the bathroom. I am doing that but honestly it is just so I feel like I am doing something. I got back to the shelter and there was a message from someone who applied and was upset about the fact that she applied and was turned down for a kitten after she was told they would be available and she wanted an explanation. I had emailed her already and maybe she responded but I didn’t get it because of the hack. I emailed her back today but it still isn’t sending me emails so now she is really going to be mad!

All this is too much and my mind is fried. I am having trouble keeping my anxiety Frank from trying to make me crazy. I keep thinking stuff like if I got hacked I definitely did something to cause it and that the little kitten is sick because I didn’t bring her to the vet when I first saw that she was smaller than everyone else. None of that is true or relevant, but that doesn’t keep my mind from spinning!!!

I need help at the shelter and I need to ask for it. Gone are the days when I can just do things by myself! Except that when I expressed my feelings of loss and hopelessness to my team, it makes me feel weak. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just ask for help and then accept it gracefully instead of always thinking I am powerless for asking? I know I need a team, I can’t do this stuff alone. Not that there is too much work, it is just better with more than one person shouldering the burdens. Jesus didn’t walk through the world alone, he had his besties (the disciples) with him as he traveled and spread the gospel. He didn’t just do everything alone, he told the disciples to go heal people and to spread the gospel. I have never thought about Jesus and said, wow, he was so weak! He didn’t do anything alone, he had to be surrounded by his people. Do I think I am better than Jesus and should be able to handle life on my own? If God wanted me to be alone he would have written that into my story!

I had a meeting with the team and we made a new schedule that includes help here. The day after I brought the little kitten to the vet I had to bring her back to be euthanized. That tore out my heart but at least I had my friends, my teammates, to help me grieve her. Driving home with the empty cat carrier I realized that it didn’t make me feel helpless to have them. Actually, they are a few of the only people who I know truly understand what it means and how it feels to have a little baby that I watched from birth not make it like her brothers and sisters. When I say I feel sad, they just sit with me because they just know. I have always said how much these people do for my mental well being and I can’t lose sight of that. If Jesus didn’t go it alone, what makes me think I should?

It won’t be easy to give up my feelings of “strength is only accomplished when you are truly doing everything alone” but I have to do it. Very few parts of life can be done solo! I have had managers in the past whose biggest weakness was the fact that they refused to accept help from their team, the reasoning being that they truly felt that they were the only ones to do it correctly and perfectly. The end result was them not being able to do anything well because they were spread too thin. By feeling weak and powerless when I ask for help, I am really making the same choice. Even if I don’t have the same reason, it will be my downfall if I don’t check myself before I wreck myself!