An attitude for gratitude…revisited?!

I finished the attitude for gratitude bible plan a while ago but stopped posting my reactions. I have decided to go back and continue the plan but with my reactions posted. I know that it isn’t going to help me with my dating dilemma but it will take my mind off things!

Today (and most days, actually!) I am going over in my mind about how I was SURE I would be dating like crazy when I was ready. The only reason I wasn’t was because I wasn’t ready–but when I was ready the world should watch out!

Except that is not how it works in the real world. In the real world, I am amazing and beautiful. But not unlike a really great book with an uninteresting cover, not everyone is going to remove the book from the shelf and discover the greatness within. I am not saying I have an uninteresting cover, but it isn’t for everyone! Add to that the fact that I am not “normal” when it comes to being intimate with someone and it isn’t going to happen because you spent a lot of money on dinner (!) and it is clear why I get put back on the shelf.

I am learning that many of the guys my age are looking for younger women. And the older guys are smart enough to see my greatness but I have emotional issues for not dating an older guy. I guess if I had to break it down into a simplistic theory I would say it is because I dated Al and married Al because I had planned on spending the 2nd part of my life with him instead of alone. It is stupid and ridiculous but I am scared of that happening again. I know that a younger guy can die just as likely as an older man but I have to work past it none the less!

God works in His own ways so my heart has been telling me to find myself. You can’t love someone else until you love yourself and all that cliche stuff. Except it is true. I am learning so much about myself, like that fact that I have tried so hard to keep the peace with everyone that I have never really learned how to take a stand for something I believe in. A good example is my job. I am considered an expert at work but I am so afraid of offending someone that I don’t always stand up for things I believe to be right. I made a pact with God and with myself that I would not do that anymore. The worst that could happen is I am wrong, and it isn’t a life or death situation or anything!

So…an attitude for gratitude is in order! Everything that happens is part of God’s plan and I need to be grateful. Like I said before, even when God’s plan is not comfortable or even GOOD for me I need to know that He has me and it will all work out as it is supposed to.

Drop your Net and follow me!

It has been a long time since I have written in my blog. I was thinking about different reasons for why and I promised myself that I was just going to be honest. So here it is. I have been doubting. I have been doubting whether I would find myself if I followed God and Jesus’s plan.

I have had every intention of being chaste and learning as much as I can about my future Beloved before adding the messy business of sex into it. Just to be clear, I have not taken that step! I have not even found someone who I would skip the “get to know you” part. It has been hard, though; not going to lie.

When I got divorced from my first husband, I had a few “one night stands” before I settled down. I did not have God in my heart and in my soul then and I truly believed that it was the best way to move forward from a failed marriage. Now, however, it wasn’t a fail that my husband died. And I DO have God in my heart. I know that the best thing for me to do is to meet someone who wants to know about me and not just get in my pants.

I believe that it was God’s will for Albert to be taken. I want to say, from me, but he was taken from the world. I have had a lot of time to think about it (9 months to be exact) and there are a lot of things about my relationship with Albert that were not perfect. He was very controlling and he really made all the decisions in our life. I allowed him to, though; he was still my Beloved. I also know that I won’t be in that situation again–I moved too fast and didn’t get to know Albert before we moved forward in our relationship.

I will be not make that mistake again. I will make other mistakes but that will not be one of them!

Fireworks and fearfully made Me!

Hi there! It has been a crazy holiday for cat sitters. I hope you all had a really great 4th of July! I actually went to the fireworks at the beach here alone. I had a friend ask me what my plans for the holiday were and I told her I was working and then I would probably find some fireworks to go to. Except that I was pretty sure I was going to work and then watch fireworks on TV alone.

I got home from morning jobs and decided to clean the inside of my car. The more I cleaned, the more I cried. I cried because I kept thinking about the last two Fourth of July’s I had spent with Albert. We always went to a picnic at one of his friend’s houses and then we always watched the fireworks on TV because we were tired from the day’s adventures. Once he got sick we really stuck close to home but still managed to get a hot dog and hamburger at a picnic somewhere. No matter what, Albert always had someone that had invited him somewhere.

The thing is, I had turned down any invitations. I just had not been invited anywhere! As I cleaned my rugs in the car, God reminded me that I was in a new season of my life and that He had a plan. But His plan was not for me to sit at home and feel sorry for myself. His plan was for me to go out in the world as the confident and strong woman that Al’s illness had brought out of me. He nudged me again to remember all the qualities I had listed in my walk a little while ago and how knowing I am God’s masterpiece should make me want to show it to the world.

I decided right then and there that I was going to find a celebration and join it alone. I remembered that we could hear the fireworks from our house and see some colors because they set them off at the beach. Knowing that there is no parking at the beach after dusk, I parked about half a mile away on the street and walked. I wore Al’s Allman Brothers sweatshirt and an american flag bandanna around my neck as I found a spot in the sand that was not completely deserted but not in anyone’s space. I laid down in the sand to enjoy the display. It was so great!

Day 12’s homework was to write down everything I see and thank God for it. I would like to go back to the 4th and thank Him for the magnificent display that He pushed me to go to. I would like to thank Him for the legs that walked me to the spot on the beach, for the lungs and body as well. I would like to thank Him for the beach itself, without which I would not have seen the fireworks. I would like to thank Him for the car I used to drive to the celebration and the job that made the money I needed to put gas in my car (to drive me there as well). Finally, I want to thank Him for reminding me that I am wonderfully and fearfully made; which gave me the strength to go to the fireworks alone and not be anxious about it. This life God has given me is pretty amazing, I just have to stop trying to write my own parts in the story and realize that God’s parts are unbelievable and cannot be improved upon!

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well. Psalm 139:14

If God had a face,what would it look like?

The sermon today was thought-provoking.  I mean, they all are usually…but sometimes a thought just pops into my head and I can’t shake it.  Usually I just think it is the devil trying to distract me and I get myself back in focus.  Except, sometimes the thought just builds in my mind until it takes over and refuses to be let go!

So here is today’s takeaway thought.  When God returns, who will He be?  I have been  looking for another Jesus to come but my God is not really cliche enough to send another son.  And Jesus was his only begotten son, so wouldn’t that cheapen the whole John 3:16 thing if he changed it to be his first (instead of only) begotten son to include the “new son”?!

Do you think it will be another son…maybe a son of Jesus Christ?  God is a wonderful and loving God, so maybe it will be a daughter!  And what would her name be?  There were a lot of Marys in the Bible.  There was Rachel, Rebecca, Ruth, Martha…  There were so many other powerful women in the Bible but something tells me God would pick a new name.  Amanda maybe?!  Just kidding (not really–it is an amazing and empowering name, if you ask me!)

And, since it is the option I like the best, if he does send his only begotten daughter–will she be a baby?  Will he impregnate another virgin to carry her?  In this world, finding an unmarried and holy virgin will not be as easy as it was when Jesus was conceived.  Now I think having a woman claim to be carrying the next Savior would be a quick ticket to the loony bin.  Mary risked being stoned to death if her fiance Joseph had turned her in and that (usually) doesn’t happen now.  But…finding a Holy and pure woman who is in line to marry a Holy and pure man so she can carry the next reincarnation of God is not impossible; but definitely not the norm.

What if the new Savior is not a baby?  What if she is a teenager or a single mother who has always had special “gifts” she couldn’t explain (like thinking she only had two fish and feeding a party of many with them)?  How would she find out that she is the Savior?

And while we are on the subject of finding out, do you think Jesus knew all along that he was the son of God made flesh?  Did Mary tell him before she kissed him to sleep at night that he was a special little boy who would one day save the sinners in the world?  I know Jesus was perfect as an adult, but do you think there was ever a time he used Joseph’s tools without permission and when Joseph confronted him he (Jesus) replied with, “You are not my father!!” like kids like to do to their step-parents?

A lot of extra questions and not a lot of answers but that is okay.  I miss being able to get Albert’s opinion on these questions that just pop into my head and rattle around until I confront them.  He seemed to have the answers, where as I come up with a few hundred more questions when I think about it.  I am like that song by Lamb Chop (the puppet on tv when I was a kid) “This is the song that doesn’t end-yes it goes on and on, my friend-some people started singing it not knowing what it was-and they’ll continue singing it forever just because…this is the song that doesn’t end, etc.”

I am going to keep developing the thought that the new Messiah will be the daughter of God.  Any thoughts on this or how it couldn’t possibly be?  Leave me a comment and let me know!


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…Lord, I believe; Help my Unbelief!–Mark 9:24

Every day now, after saying thank you to the Lord for all he has given to me and asking for protection and safety in the way He needs it to be, I ask the Lord to help me have blind faith.  I feel kind of stupid asking for something that I should JUST HAVE.  I mean, isn’t that the very definition of blind faith?!

Then I remember the passage in the Bible about the father who, when talking to Jesus about helping his son, kind of infers that he is not 100% sure that this “Jesus thing” is truly going to work.  Especially considering the Disciples couldn’t cast the spirit out of the boy.  Not unlike me, he has faith.  Enough faith where he brought his son to Jesus in the first place, but he is still thinking with his Earthly mind.  He is still probably thinking that he has tried everything else so if this doesn’t work he won’t be surprised.  Disappointed, yes.  But not surprised.

You see, I think that is the core of my problem.  It isn’t that I don’t believe because I do.  It isn’t that I don’t think God has aligned everything to work the way He needs it to for me to complete the story he has written about me.  Because I do!  I have been disappointed in my earthly pursuits in the past and somehow I also believe that is God’s doing.   Even though I remind myself of how those disappointments have lead me to become the person I am today, I am still holding a grudge.  The hurt and feelings of abandonment I felt are so strong that I can’t look beyond them.  I mean it completely when I say that I would not be where I am without the Lord’s help.  But I also mean it completely when I say, “Lord I believe; help my unbelief!” mark 9:24