I have been struggling with anxiety so much lately. I spend the whole day and sometimes the next day crying or on the verge of tears. The thing is, I know what ever it is that I am upset about is not true or not real. I get this little voice in my head that tells me some little untruth and that is all I need to start spiraling out of control.
I am like a little kid on an Easter egg hunt. I run around with my basket and pick up all the untruths to drop in. I sit at the end of the Easter egg hunt with my basket of lies and look around at the other people with the other baskets. Except I am not happy or proud that my basket is fuller than everyone else’s. Actually, I can’t breath and I can’t move because the basket is full of all these heavy boulders. I look around and everyone is laughing because I didn’t pick up any eggs at all. They were all rocks that I mistook for eggs. It’s not real!
The Bible says “… if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you. ” (Matthew 17:20) The devil knows this and has told me I don’t need to read my devotionals and I don’t need to write in my blog. I don’t go out except to work because I don’t want to run into anyone and have to explain why I am carrying around these useless rocks. When I do interact with anyone, the devil is certain to plant a little untruth in my head so I can run with it. Except I foiled his plan today–I went to church and heard the word of God. Pastor Darren always begins the sermon with a prayer for our time. And you know what he says? He says Thank you God for your word and thank you that it is true…
After the service I talked to a friend about my crippling anxiety. She confided that she also fights with irrational fears. Actually, it turns out that everyone I have talked to is struggling with a very similar problem. Satan is a busy little bug! Anyway, back to my friend. She told me that her husband likened the anxiety to a mosquito. It buzzes around in your ear and can’t really do anything (I mean, besides like malaria or that new infection EEE but that is SO not the point!) but it irritates you and ruins your plans. I have always thought of my anxiety like a guy in the back corner of my mind (Frank) sitting in a room playing solitaire. Every now and then (more often lately) Frank comes out of his room and whispers stuff to me so he can start up some drama. When I finally get a hold of his lies, he goes back into his room. Always there, lurking in the background and waiting for the next opportunity to try and ruin my plans.
I left church and talked to some of my coworkers about it. I explained to them that I get these irrational fears and they just blow up. I asked them to, if they see that I am spinning out of control, remind me that it isn’t real. But I don’t think it will be much of a problem, I am writing in my blog and I am going to put the Bible on audio so I hear it even when I am asleep. (Did I mention that I wake up at 2 am almost every night lately?!) Tomorrow I am going to take a walk to the beach (another something Frank has talked me out of doing) and I will go back to reading my Bible and thanking God for all the good and the bad in my life. It isn’t going to be smooth sailing; Frank senses when I am just a little weak and comes right out. Hopefully, though, when that happens I will recognize it and pull out my index card that I wrote the verse about moving mountains on. I will flip it over and see the words in capital letters IT’S NOT REAL!!!
Be of sober spirit, be on the alert Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.1 Peter 5:8 NSB