I just read another post from a widow that was so much more engaging than mine and I was upset (jealous?). Then I heard a voice (God probably!) reminding me that I am speaking my heart for myself, not anyone else. He also reminded me that I don’t always speak my whole truth, because I am afraid of offending or hurting someone’s feelings. I heard you loud and clear! I am trying not to forget that I started this so I could speak without fear of what other people think. And I am following my instruction book, the Bible. All that being said, here is today’s musing 🙂
When Jesus went to the cave that Lazarus was buried in, he wept. Not because he didn’t have faith in God’s will, but because he was troubled about the sorrow and tears of his friends around him. He had to have known he was going to raise Lazarus, but instead of smiling and saying to Martha and Mary, “It’s all good. Watch what I can do!”, he wept along with them. I guess the moral of this story, for me, is that even Jesus grieved a dead friend. He knew in his heart that it would be okay (like I know in my heart that Al is alive with God and is better than he has ever been) but he still had the human emotion of loss and grief. I am not sure if this makes sense with the story I am telling, but they are completely tied together in my mind!
Yesterday was my last bereavement group meeting. We shared memories and photos about our lost loved ones, and also we talked about the last holiday (Mother’s Day) and how that went for everyone. It was interesting because we all have lost someone we loved, but Mother’s Day was a different holiday, depending on who we lost. One of the women in the group lost their Mom so the holiday was really hard. Others had lost children, and that was hard for them as well. One thing I have learned is that time is never an option for how easy a holiday is. You just learn to work around the sadness and loss. Mother’s day was not hard for me, at least not harder than any other day that I had to be around people. Just getting out of the house is a big accomplishment!
The hardest thing for me is always the fact that Al cannot speak. People that I know he did not get along with are trying to act like they were best friends and it makes me so angry! Because I know that I am alive and have to live with the people around me, I don’t try to alienate anyone 🙂 Instead, I just avoid situations (or people!) where that is going to happen.
This was true on Mother’s Day. My Mom and Al never got along. She doesn’t try to act like they were besties but she does try to say things to comfort me when I am upset and I feel like she is lying. I just remember that she gave me grief about us moving to the shore (and farther away from her) when we told her that Al wanted to be by the water. And that when I told her his cancer was stage 4, she told me that her friend was a nurse and she said stage 4 is not terminal. I am not sure where she was going with that and I didn’t ask because I didn’t think it was going to go anywhere good! I know she is trying to help and I know she doesn’t mean to make me angry, so I don’t do anything that will get that movie started. On Mother’s Day, we went to my cousin’s house for lunch. She has a new grand baby that I got to meet for the first time. The thing is, I didn’t hold him. I was worried that holding him and smelling his sweet baby smell would make me cry (not unlikely since everything makes me cry these days!) and I did not want to give my Mom a reason to comfort me. As soon as I start crying, I can’t always stop. And, of course, when I am crying in front of people I feel the need to explain why (which makes it worse and makes it hard to me to calm myself.) I recognized that I was playing it safe and not enjoying myself, so I eliminated the trigger. I brought my Mom home and went back to hold the baby. My cousins and I talked about Al a little and hung out. I even cried a little without anyone asking me if I was okay or what they could do. My cousin just got me a tissue and kept talking about Al. I think that was the first time anyone just talked about Al without it being a sad or awkward story and that was so nice!!!
Hopefully I will be able to have more interactions like that and I need to learn how to spend time with my Mother and not feel like she is lying to me. I love my Mom, even though I don’t always understand her. And I know she has my best interest at heart.