Invisible Force Field?!

I have had issues going to church since Al died.  I went on Easter, and it was really nice.  But then today I did another “drive there and then leave without going in”.  What gives?  Maybe there is an invisible force field that keeps me from entering the building?  I am probably saying the same thing as I said in my other post (Some keep the Sabbath going to Church…) but every time it happens I am caught off guard!

I am not mad at God.  I don’t think that has anything to do with it because I am also avoiding the gym.  I am not sure if I am avoiding being around a bunch of people or just avoiding the bunch of people I was routinely around while Al was fighting his cancer??  I go to a bereavement group every week and a bible study every other week without any problem at all.  Those groups are all very small though; and they are also “new” groups that I began in my new chapter of my life.

This happened to me when my brother died ten years ago.  It took me about two years (and some help from a therapist) before I started going to church consistently.  I don’t know what made it okay in my mind– but I didn’t return to the church I went to when he was alive.  It was a lot like the situation I am in right now, I had joined the church just a few months before he passed.  I guess building the relationships I had started as the girl whose brother committed suicide was just not who I wanted to be.  So I joined a new church.  They were supportive and wonderful, but too rigid for me.  I tried a few more Episcopal churches before landing at a church in Middletown that was non-denominational.  Everyone there welcomed me and since my other brother was a member, they knew that chapter in my story.  But it didn’t define me, it just added to the book of Me.

I stayed at this church for a long time, although I never became a member or got baptized or anything (still a little gun-shy I guess).  When Al got sick and asked if we could move to the shore, it just made sense to find a church that was closer to our new home.  When he passed away, I could always move back and go back to my Middletown church family.  Except that I found a home down at the shore.

For the first time, I feel like I am at home in my community.  I love my neighbors, I love the area I live in, and I love my church.  As I stated before, I don’t have any desire to start new as someone else.  So why can’t I go into the church?

I am going to keep pondering this but I will continue to make my weekly tithe online and download/listen to the sermon as it is released.  And I will keep driving to the church and sitting in my car outside for as long as it takes for me to get the gumption to go in!

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