Some keep the Sabbath going to Church…

I keep it at home.  (Emily Dickinson)  I wonder if she is right?

It seems that I cannot go to church.  It has been a month, 4 Sundays, since I darkened the doorway of my church.  I GO to church, but usually just sit in the parking lot trying to convince myself to go inside.  I love the worship, I listen to the Sermon as soon as it is released.  I miss the music.  It is just…too welcoming.  Having people ask me how I am is too much for me to even try to deal with.  And if NO ONE talked to me, I would be hurt about that, too.  Make up your mind, right?!

I have been here before.  Something traumatic happens to me and all the relationships I have begun to form reach out to check in on me.  It makes me uncomfortable and I usually just change my church and move on.

Except I don’t want to do that this time.  I love this church.  I love Pastor Darren and all the people I know.  I love the crew meetings (bible studies) I have been a part of.  Even more, I love that I don’t feel stupid or left out when I don’t know what is happening in the passage we are talking about and no one pressures me to read.  I feel like I am a part of something instead of someone who needs help from everyone there. And if it takes another month before I am able to actually go inside, I am sure that no one will ask me where I have been or make me feel like I am wrong for not coming.  They will just welcome and support me for being there.

Every day I tell myself that tomorrow I will be stronger.  Tomorrow I will take a walk because the exercise will help me.  Tomorrow I will eat better because I am not happy in my overweight body that I built while Al was sick.  Tomorrow is another day, maybe I will wake up with the energy needed to tackle the day.  Or maybe I will go do my morning jobs and then go back to bed for the rest of the morning.  Either one is okay, it is what I need to do for myself tomorrow.  The most important thing is not feeling bad about surviving how ever I need to survive!

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