I keep it at home. (Emily Dickinson) I wonder if she is right?
It seems that I cannot go to church. It has been a month, 4 Sundays, since I darkened the doorway of my church. I GO to church, but usually just sit in the parking lot trying to convince myself to go inside. I love the worship, I listen to the Sermon as soon as it is released. I miss the music. It is just…too welcoming. Having people ask me how I am is too much for me to even try to deal with. And if NO ONE talked to me, I would be hurt about that, too. Make up your mind, right?!
I have been here before. Something traumatic happens to me and all the relationships I have begun to form reach out to check in on me. It makes me uncomfortable and I usually just change my church and move on.
Except I don’t want to do that this time. I love this church. I love Pastor Darren and all the people I know. I love the crew meetings (bible studies) I have been a part of. Even more, I love that I don’t feel stupid or left out when I don’t know what is happening in the passage we are talking about and no one pressures me to read. I feel like I am a part of something instead of someone who needs help from everyone there. And if it takes another month before I am able to actually go inside, I am sure that no one will ask me where I have been or make me feel like I am wrong for not coming. They will just welcome and support me for being there.
Every day I tell myself that tomorrow I will be stronger. Tomorrow I will take a walk because the exercise will help me. Tomorrow I will eat better because I am not happy in my overweight body that I built while Al was sick. Tomorrow is another day, maybe I will wake up with the energy needed to tackle the day. Or maybe I will go do my morning jobs and then go back to bed for the rest of the morning. Either one is okay, it is what I need to do for myself tomorrow. The most important thing is not feeling bad about surviving how ever I need to survive!