Guess I am not as “good” as I think

I went to a bereavement group two weeks ago really out of obligation.  There is a woman who goes to my bible study and she is a grief counselor.  She has mentioned this class a few times and she is so nice and so helpful and Godly so I figured it wouldn’t hurt.

I couldn’t go to my bible study and I couldn’t go to church on Sunday.  I mean, I went.  I sat in my car in the parking lot for about 20 minutes before I went home and went back to bed.  The class was the next day so I was really sure it was the right move.

There were several people there, all women.  I listened to the stories of how they had lost their beloved loved ones and thought that they were so much farther behind in their grief then I was.  Except that when it came to my turn, I could only choke out Albert’s name and that he died 3 months ago.  From stomach cancer, I threw in at the end.  One of the women running the group read off my intro paper the rest of his information because I was ready to have a fit of ugly crying.  (I don’t care what anyone says, there is no such thing as cute crying!)  Even still, it was a really great meeting.

I spent the next week really thinking about different things that I have been affected by since I lost Albert.  I don’t work very hard on my business.  I lost my mojo when he got sick because I felt like I had put too much time into growing my dog walking and not enough time watching for clues that would have made me insist he went to the Dr earlier.  That is totally ridiculous and I know there is no real way that I could have predicted or found this cancer before it was stage 4.  I also know and truly believe that it was God’s will that he got cancer when he did and that he died.  I still don’t know why it was God’s will but I know He has a plan and this was a part of it that I had to endure.  Still, I have not been able to find my way back to my business.  I advertise enough to keep my rent paid and the lights on but that is it.  I am taking classes for cat psychology and behavior so when I come out of this fog I will have something to turn to but I may end up leaving it all together and doing something not related to animals at all.

I really struggle to be a human most days, too.  I mean, if I could walk out in my pjs to do my pet sitting jobs I definitely would!  I make a conscious effort to look presentable and even wear makeup and blow dry my hair.  It is like I am putting on my mask to wear in public even though I just want to go back to bed.  Kind of sad, really!

I lie when people ask me how I am doing.  My inner critic (I call him Frank) tells me that it is just a formality when people ask a widow how she is doing but they really don’t care.  Frank tells me to just say fine or tell them about your classes and how you are starting an exciting new career as a cat behaviourist.  So I do.  And I know I am lying and I want to say that I fight the urge to go back home all day long.  I want to say that my soulmate is gone and I don’t know how to be me without him.  But I say I am fine.

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