Every day now, after saying thank you to the Lord for all he has given to me and asking for protection and safety in the way He needs it to be, I ask the Lord to help me have blind faith. I feel kind of stupid asking for something that I should JUST HAVE. I mean, isn’t that the very definition of blind faith?!
Then I remember the passage in the Bible about the father who, when talking to Jesus about helping his son, kind of infers that he is not 100% sure that this “Jesus thing” is truly going to work. Especially considering the Disciples couldn’t cast the spirit out of the boy. Not unlike me, he has faith. Enough faith where he brought his son to Jesus in the first place, but he is still thinking with his Earthly mind. He is still probably thinking that he has tried everything else so if this doesn’t work he won’t be surprised. Disappointed, yes. But not surprised.
You see, I think that is the core of my problem. It isn’t that I don’t believe because I do. It isn’t that I don’t think God has aligned everything to work the way He needs it to for me to complete the story he has written about me. Because I do! I have been disappointed in my earthly pursuits in the past and somehow I also believe that is God’s doing. Even though I remind myself of how those disappointments have lead me to become the person I am today, I am still holding a grudge. The hurt and feelings of abandonment I felt are so strong that I can’t look beyond them. I mean it completely when I say that I would not be where I am without the Lord’s help. But I also mean it completely when I say, “Lord I believe; help my unbelief!” mark 9:24