I Don’t believe!

Welcome to my blog!  This is a new blog to replace the one I used while my husband was sick, Tales of a Cancer Caregiver I am in a new place so a new blog seemed like a good choice.  This blog is going to be just as it is titled, Musings of a baby Christian.  A bunch of stuff has happened in my life and I need to talk through it.  What better place than a blog?!  Feel free to contradict me or to agree with me…the point of writing this in a public forum is that I will get opinions from others. 🙂

I am starting out page one by declaring something.  I don’t believe.  My pastor was talking on Sunday about our identity in Christ and something he said made me really look hard at my faith.  Not that I don’t believe in God, because I do.  Of course I do–why would I have a blog with Christian in the title otherwise?

No, it is more complicated than that.  The pastor talked about how we needed to know that God was here for us and no matter what we have done in the past, he still loves us.  Then I started thinking of all the times in my life that God was not there for me.  When I was a little kid and my family allowed us to be neglected because people just didn’t get involved when it was family.  My grandfather would bring my Mom and us food (but also alcohol for her, which was most of the problem with us being neglected!).  My other grandfather would take us to his house on weekends so we got a good meal and a bath.  My next door neighbor and Aunt would give us dinner a few times a week.  None of those people saved me from a bad situation, I had to take care of myself and my little brother.  With no help from anyone, let alone God.

Then there was all the death.  My brother died in a car accident.  My stepfather died of a heart attack.  Another brother committed suicide.  I had to help everyone else get through.  It wasn’t God who did that, it was me.

Then my husband died of cancer after a year and a half.  Again, I took care of things.  Not God.  I prayed that his cancer would shrink every day but when he had his first scan it had not happened.  You know what the funny thing is?  I wasn’t surprised.  I was upset, but not surprised that God didn’t do anything to help Al.  I have faith and I have always felt like I am a pretty decent Christian, but God seems to disappoint me a lot.  And because it is par for the course, I am not surprised about that either.  This is why I say, I don’t believe.  I don’t believe that God would have a reason for all the death and destruction in my life.    At some point I have to catch a break, right?!

I say and believe that this is all part of God’s master plan and I do truly believe that in my head.  My heart, however, says that God will disappoint me like everyone else does and I should just be prepared to handle it myself.  I am the only one who has ever truly taken care of me.

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