I have to respond to my post yesterday. I reread it (I should do that before I post but I didn’t!) First of all, my Pastor didn’t turn me into a non-believer. Actually, he got me to question my faith in a different way that I ever have before. He made me realize that I was just going through the motions of my faith but down deep I don’t believe what I say! When people talk about the way to be a good and faithful Christian, I am pretty stuck up. Really! I usually think to myself something along the lines of “just act like me, I am as close to perfect as you can get…” I truly believe that I really have “this Christian thing” down pat. I sin sometimes, (who among us doesn’t? ) but on the whole I think if I were alive when Jesus was alive he would ask me to follow him so I could keep his disciples on the right path!
How can I doubt God’s help over the last 45 years then? If I truly have “this Christian thing” down then I would be able to pick out the times that God was there for me. Any time someone brought us something to eat or brought us somewhere when I was little–that was God intervening. When my brother died in the car accident, I found out I was pregnant with my first child the day of the funeral. And when my other brother died, I was able to help his daughter navigate her first year of high school without the guidance of her Dad. Al’s illness brought out a part of myself that I hadn’t seen in a while–the fierce non-doormat version! Since his passing, I have worked on being a cat whisperer and all around amazing person instead of the wallflower formally known as “Al’s wife.” If it weren’t for his illness, that part of me would still be in the background yelling at me to speak up. So his illness was a tool that God gave me to move forward towards what He has planned for me.
I guess it is more complicated than I realized! So I am changing my statement about not believing into a statement saying that I don’t have faith that God is doing all he can for me. I have definitely seen his hands in my life and would not be here writing this blog without Him. I think if I could get a little glimpse into what exactly He is molding me to be I might be more likely to have blind faith. Perhaps having blind faith is the idea and by questioning all this stuff I am sending a message to God that I am just not really ready for what he has planned?
So, tell me how to have blind faith and realize that all the times I felt like I was doing everything alone God was in the background guiding my words and actions!